"Stay for the whole feast, even if you're not sure about the broccoli."

It was my favorite line from General Conference.

I didn't get to hear it live. I was at a baby shower for a dear friend on Saturday and then busy all week with teaching and end-of-semester grading. It wasn't until four days ago that I blocked out some time to watch both Saturday sessions. My two favorite talks came one after the other during the Saturday afternoon session: first, Elder Jeffery R. Holland's "Fear Not: Believe Only!" followed by Elder Patrick Kearon's "He is Risen with Healing in His Wings: We Can Be More Than Conquerors."

Yesterday, I substituted for a seminary teacher at Mountain Ridge High School Seminary in Herriman. As I took roll, I asked students to give me their favorite line from General Conference, not their favorite talk, but their favorite line. One cute sophomore mentioned a line from Elder Andersen's talk: "Peacemakers are not passive; they are persuasive in the Savior's way." She explained how she tries to be a peacemaker within her group of friends, not by withdrawing from their drama but by seeking to bring the light of Jesus into the chaos, through her own calmness. Another young man shared a line from Elder Bednar's talk "But We Heeded Them Not" and explained that he relies on the Holy Ghost to bring clarity to his judgment as he seeks to "heed not" various temptations in his life. Are you impressed? Same. Teenagers are so much better than us at zeroing in on the truth, raw and real, and its relevant applications. That's why I jump at the chance to teach seminary whenever I can.

My personal favorite line from Conference weekend came from Elder Holland's talk and became the title of this post. Let me first explain that I hate broccoli. Really, I do. I wish I liked it because it's high on every single list of food that's good for us. But alas, the smell is enough to turn my stomach, and even raw, I think it's gross. So Elder Holland chose the perfect vegetable for his beautiful metaphor. Surprising? Nope. He is a rhetorical genius.

But why this line? Well you see, I plan to stay for the whole feast. I'm not going anywhere. I'm all in. That doesn't mean that I don't ever have questions, doubts, struggles with doctrine, sometimes even struggles with the way our leaders interpret the doctrine. I am human, blessed with the capacity to think, to wonder, to speculate. I study. I pray. I seek answers. I search out revelation for my own life. I don't always receive it, but sometimes I do, and for both outcomes, I am grateful. The latter gives me clear direction, and the former challenges and strengthens my faith.

I am blessed with the opportunity to serve in the Jordan River Temple every Friday afternoon as an ordinance worker. Our shift coordinator always opens our prep meeting with "Welcome to the best day of the week!" Oh, she is so right about that. There is nothing better than being in the temple. A couple weeks ago, I sat in the temple cafeteria during my 20-minute break and listened to a discussion between two older sisters. Addressing the importance of heeding prophetic counsel, one sister commented, "In my family, when the Prophet speaks, the discussion ends." This sweet sister has taught me much in the time I've known her, but this comment left me confused. Troubled even. Because in my family, when the Prophet speaks, that's when the discussion begins! That's when we start the process of pondering and praying to understand what his counsel might look like in our individual lives. It will look different for each of us, because we are different. Sometimes we process the Conference talks by ourselves, in our own ways and in our own timing. But oftentimes, we share our thoughts, either in person or in family text threads. I love learning from my children, hearing their perspectives on the messages. Yes, when the Prophet speaks, the discussion begins!

I'm grateful for a gospel that honors my moral agency, one that doesn't ask me to blindly obey, but to search and study and struggle on my own, with my family, and with my ward family. Wrestling with scripture, as well as with modern-day counsel and revelation, is what leads to increased depth and breadth of understanding. We don't understand everything, and I don't think we ever will in this mortal journey. And that is okay. The process of becoming who we are meant to be is long, and not without hills and valleys, mountains and seas. But be assured; we are promised everything! We are promised all God has, if we will do our best to be faithful and endure. As we study "Come Follow Me" this week, let's look at what the God of Israel promises. Humor the English teacher for a second, and look at the verbs: 

The God of Israel will fight for us (Exodus 14:14), provide for us (Exodus 16:4), heal us (Exodus 15:26), and fill us full (Exodus 16:12). The God of Israel promises to always be with us, and ultimately, to deliver us. Through a covenant with one little family, nations are blessed. Through their faithfulness, the gospel of hope springs forth and floods the earth.

Yes, Elder Holland. I will stay for the whole feast, even if I'm not sure about the broccoli.

"Mom, I just really miss church."

This was part of a conversation I had with Seth on our daily walk around the neighborhood yesterday. And of course, it warmed my very soul. As parents in the church, we long so desperately for our kids to gain testimonies of the gospel, firm ones that will sustain them through all the trials they will face in life. Above all else, we want their happiness, and we know that is best achieved through strong, unwavering faith in their savior. So we try hard to foster that faith.

Our efforts aren't always enough, though. No matter what, it feels like we can never do everything we need to do. When we have several children, we struggle to meet all their diverse needs, and sometimes that's literally impossible. Someone, it seems, is always disappointed. I don't know much about how dads feel, but I understand "mom guilt" to its very core. "Maybe this happened because we don't hold FHE regularly enough. We do it often, but not always." "Or maybe that happened because we suck at that all-important family dinner, the one where everyone sits at a table at the same time and shares his or her day, the one that prevents your children from becoming drug addicts.

Truth is, most parents are doing their absolute best. Most of us don't get up in the morning and plot out how we can ruin our children's lives. Yet every last one of our children could easily find himself in therapy one day because, somewhere along the line, a critical need got missed. There were only two Perfect Parents, and last I heard, even they lost 1/3 of their kids.

That said, two occasions in particular demonstrate that our precious offspring have found their faith, that they no longer rely solely on our testimonies or "borrowed light" as we like to call it. One is when we send them off on missions, and another is when we sit next to them in the temple as they are sealed to their spouses. I've had the privilege of doing the former three times and the latter twice. Hardly anything compares to those experiences.

But Seth's mission didn't end as we expected. After serving just 19 months, his mission was abruptly halted because of COVID-19, when all North American missionaries serving in Paraguay were sent home. Those like Seth, who had served over 18 months, were permanently released. Their missions were over. Seth handled all this very well, much better than I did, but it wasn't (and still isn't) easy. He came home to 14 days of quarantine inside our house, followed by social distancing and sheltering in place. And so it's been for the last seven weeks. He can't hang out with friends. He can't date.

And he can't attend church. Imagine spending 19 months teaching people the importance of church attendance, and then not being able to do that, himself.

Fast forward to today, April 11, 2022. It was May of 2020, when I wrote this post; I just never got around to publishing it. I want it preserved, so I'm gonna post it today, nearly a year late, but probably not share on social media. Suffice it to say that COVID is far better controlled now than it was then, and I'm happy report that Seth, and all of us, are once again able to attend church in person.

You too! Always remember that! As Elder Uchtdorf told us, "There is room for you!"

The True Meaning of "Modesty"

Recently, a friend took her 4-year-old daughter to kindergarten orientation at her neighborhood elementary school. At one point, the children were taken to a different room to play, so the parents could receive instruction from the kindergarten teacher regarding how to prepare their kids for school. This part of the meeting lasted maybe 20 minutes, and other than a brief nod to the importance of kindergartners being fully bathroom independent, the entire 20 minutes was devoted to the dress code, specifically, acceptable dress for little girls.

Girls are not allowed to wear tank tops unless they are thick enough that their shoulders are covered, and if they wear shorts, the shorts must be knee length when the girls are seated. 

Seriously? These are 5-year-olds we're talking about! This is an elementary school. The oldest girls are turning 12. I'm confused on so many levels; I barely know where to begin.

First, I can't figure out the need for a dress code in an elementary school. I just can't. Kids should wear comfortable play clothes, weather appropriate. In August, that will likely include shorts and tank tops. Shorts, by definition, are short. They don't go down to the knees. Tank tops do not cover shoulders. Of course not.

Second, if leadership in elementary schools feel they need a dress code, why is it targeted only at females? There was zero discussion in this meeting about what boys should wear. For example, are there restrictions on images or words printed on t-shirts? If so, what are they? 

I worry all this might be the result of our church culture seeping into the public schools here in Utah. I hope not, but yes, I wonder. Our church culture tends to emphasize the word "modesty" a lot, often to persuade girls (primarily) to dress in ways that cover more of their bodies. In reality, "modesty" has little to do with dress specifically; instead, it has to do with humility vs. pride. It is an attitude. If we are modest, we don't seek to draw attention to ourselves. We focus outward, on loving and serving others. We don't flaunt our wealth or our beauty or our possessions. 

In Biblical times, Paul used the word "modest" to mean appropriate or comely. We should act and dress appropriately for the various occasions of our lives. 

This begs the question: Who gets to decide what's appropriate? I remember last summer sitting under a tree at a water park, resting, after multiple trips up and down the slides. I do love water slides! I was dressed in a tankini bathing suit. It had spaghetti straps, a top that revealed maybe an inch of my stomach, and board shorts that hit mid thigh. I had spent two hours running up stairs and sliding down slides, alongside dozens of people, both women and men.

Was I dressed appropriately for the occasion? Yep. Was I modest? Indeed. I had zero desire to draw attention to myself or to show off my hot, sexy body (yeah, right!); I was simply wearing the best option for a water park. Would my tankini bathing suit be an appropriate choice for work? Dumb question. So you see, it isn't that certain types of clothing are inherently immodest; it has to do with the reason behind our choices (humility vs. pride) and the appropriateness to the occasion. 

In our church, many families choose to teach their children to wear clothing they would be able to wear once they make temple covenants as adults. Let me go on record to say that this is perfectly okay. Teach your children what is in your heart. We are all doing our best and no one parents perfectly. As long as you teach and guide with love, if you want your children to dress from infancy as though they were temple endowed, that is absolutely okay.

What is not okay is to judge other church members who don't make this same choice. Like me. My kids wore normal, perfectly acceptable clothing. In hot weather, they sometimes wore shorts and tank tops. At swimming pools, they wore swimsuits, for the boys, swim trunks that left their entire upper body exposed! My daughter wore shorter skirts and strapless prom dresses. In the winter, they all wore sweaters, long pants, and coats. Were my children modest? Always. Their clothing was appropriate for the occasion, and their goal was not prideful.

Unfortunately, that wasn't good enough for some church members. They didn't judge my sons so much, but my daughter was often shamed by well meaning but woefully misguided church leaders and members, who felt her clothing wasn't "modest" enough. You know what? That wasn't their choice to make. It was mine, my husband's, and my daughter's. She even received an anonymous letter, implying that, because of her clothing, she would never be able to find a husband who would want to marry her in the temple. Nope, I couldn't make this stuff up.

This is dangerous territory, my friends, and equally dangerous is suggesting to kindergartners in public elementary schools that their shoulders and knees are "immodest." Even if we use the term "modest" to mean covering up one's body (I would never use it this way, but just hypothetically), it's dangerous to use it in relationship to young children. Kids can't be immodest. It's impossible. If you are having sexual thoughts about children, you have a problem. Get help. But don't make silly rules about shorts and tank tops for elementary school kids.

Finally, those of you who choose to have your children dress as though they were temple endowed, please, please teach them not to judge others who don't make the same choice. My daughter remained active in the church and ultimately married in the temple. Turns out her testimony was stronger than the shaming she encountered. For many girls, it wouldn't be.

I'd love to tell my friend's little girl that she'll be welcome at her new school come August, wearing her normal play clothes. I can't. I'm not in charge. What I will say is whoever you are, and whatever you wear, you are welcome in my church. We open our arms to everyone. 

As President Uchtdorf proclaimed, "There is room for you in this church."

Add a hyphen, and use a lower-case "d." Please!

Change isn't my favorite. Even when I know it's for the best, I prefer the familiar. I love knowing what to expect and for things to go according to plan.

So imagine my dismay when three weeks ago, our stake boundaries were reorganized, our ward was obliterated, and I was transplanted into an entirely new ward. Then, one week later, at General Conference, our prophet announced a significant change to our Sunday meeting schedule; beginning in January, our block of meetings will be just two hours, rather than three. Wait, what? All these changes all at once? Has everyone forgotten that my baby is in Paraguay, and I'm already trying to deal with that, which means I no longer have a kid in high school, and he's not even just a state or two away at college; he's 5,720.042 miles away! And still, they throw all these other changes at me.

Then, if that isn't enough, there's this other troubling issue. Another focus of President Nelson recently is to get people to use the full and correct name of our church, rather than abbreviations such as the "LDS Church" or nicknames such as the "Mormon Church." Truth be told, at first this seemed pretty insignificant to me, but then I listened to President Nelson explain his thoughts on the issue when he addressed the membership in Conference, and it helped me understand a little better. Then I remembered the murderous thoughts that filter through my brain whenever I hear someone nickname one of my own precious kids. (Just watch me turn violent if anyone dares call Shulamith "Shula" or Isaiah "Izzy.")

So maybe Christ would prefer his church be called after his name, the name he told us to call it (3 Nephi 27). Yes, it's a mouthful, but I'm beginning to understand.

As a result of this directive, members everywhere are making small but significant changes here and there to replace the abbreviations and nicknames with the correct name of our church. The problem is, many of them don't know how to spell it. Calm yourself, Terrianne. Breathe. Yes, I'm trying. Really I am, but everywhere I look, I see the name of our church misspelled.

Can we be clear. The official name of our church is The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Note the hyphen between "Latter" and "day." Note the lowercase "d." Whew! We've got this.

If we omit the hyphen or capitalize the "D," we refer to (respectively) two tiny splinter groups who broke off years ago and are no longer in any way associated with our church.

So we really don't want to do that.

When we proclaim as Presdent Uchtdorf did, "There is room for you in this church," let's be sure we are welcoming people into our church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Mere Mortals, Divinely Appointed

On occasion, former CNN talk show host Larry King interviewed former LDS President, Gordon B. Hinckley. One such interview happened in 2007. I remember so vividly sitting in my friends' living room, eagerly awaiting the words of a man I revered so highly.

I was not disappointed.

Larry King is a kind, easygoing type of guy, always respectful, a great fit for President Hinckley. The two of them covered many topics through the course of their interview, including the former Priesthood ban on black men of African descent. When Larry King asked the prophet to explain the reason for that ban, he calmly and cheerfully replied, "It's the way early church leaders interpreted the doctrine."

This response leaves room for various interpretations, one being the possibility that the early leaders interpreted the doctrine incorrectly. Maybe they were just wrong.
                                                                                                           
What a wonderfully liberating idea! Maybe they were just wrong.

In our church, we raise our right arms to the square to sustain members to many different positions. We sustain someone called to be a nursery leader. We sustain someone called to be a relief society greeter. We sustain someone called to be a Sunday School teacher. In like form, we sustain those chosen to be general leaders of the church, including the 12 apostles and members of First Presidency.

When we raise our arms to the square to sustain our brothers and sisters, we offer our support. We promise to do all we can to help them in their callings, to ease their burdens, and to pray for them. We promise to follow their leadership, whether they are leading the youngest among us in the nursery or serving in positions of leadership for the worldwide church.

What we do not do when we sustain these people is imply in any way that they are perfect. All of them are human beings, living in a fallen state, striving to do their best, but yes, falling short on occasion here or there. Each of them relies solely on the infinite atonement of Jesus Christ, without which not a single one of us could make our way back to our Heavenly Parents.

That includes the general leadership of the church. This may seem obvious. However, one unfortunate thing that sometimes happens in our church is that we forget that our general leaders are human beings. We come to believe, expect, even require them to be perfect. Those outside our faith sometimes accuse of of worshiping Joseph Smith. We don't, of course, any more than we worship our current president, Russel M. Nelson. But I think the reason some may think we do stems from this tendency to deify our general church leaders.

When we deify our prophet, his counselors, or members of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, we do a huge disservice to both them and us.

For them, it creates an impossible environment in which to work. Imagine feeling that you have to be perfect or others might lose their testimonies and fall away from the church, yet knowing full well you can't be. What ridiculous and unproductive pressure to place on these poor servants! They devote their lives to building the kingdom, serving tirelessly and relentlessly, often at advanced ages, all on our behalf. Can we cut 'em some slack? They're mere mortals, with the same struggles and temptations, conflict and strife as you and me. With their overwhelming responsibility, I'll bet they are profoundly grateful that on those occasions that they miss the mark, make a poor decision, or move in the wrong direction for just a second, they have the glorious doctrine of repentance on which to lean. They can go to bed with the assurance that tomorrow is another day, and that their savior suffered in a garden and died on a cross to make it possible for them to try again.

For us, deifying our leaders, whether general or local, can lead to a dangerous slippery slope of hero worship, that's neither productive nor real. I have a friend who joined the church along with her husband early in their marriage. Their stake president at the time was pivotal in their process of investigating the church, taking the missionary discussions, and ultimately choosing to be baptized. I think he might have even baptized them himself. A few years later, he made some unfortunate choices in his life that led him to leave the church entirely. What if my friend had believed this leader to be perfect? What if her testimony had been based on this man, rather than on her savior? She might have left right along with him, rather than serving faithfully in the church all these years, raising a lovely family of four children, and sending three of them on full-time missions.

I have tender memories of Seth in the nursery, marching around holding a flag or banner of some sort, joyously singing "Follow the Prophet; he knows the way!" The obvious question is how do we follow our leaders, fully sustain and support them, without falling into the trap of believing they are incapable of human error? I don't have a perfect answer for everyone (and I don't have to), but I can tell you what works for me.

First, I can sustain church leaders with heart and hand. I can pray for them to lead according to the Father's will and work alongside them to build the kingdom.  Second, I can listen to their counsel, honestly listen to it, with an open mind and heart. I can pray to seek ways that counsel might apply to me personally and to my  family, rather than brushing it aside. And third, I can remember that they are human beings, mere mortals, striving to follow their savior just like me, but divinely appointed to lead at this time.

May I end by quoting Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, whose words happen to be the general title of this entire blog:

"And, to be perfectly frank, there have been times when members or leaders in the Church have simply made mistakes. There may have been things said or done that were not in harmony with our values, principles, or doctrine. I suppose the Church would be perfect only if it were run by perfect beings. God is perfect, and His doctrine is pure. But He works through us--his imperfect children--and imperfect people make mistakes."

Yep, Elder Uchtdorf; you are correct: "There is room for you [and me] in this church."

Caffeine, anyone?

I'm sitting in the part-time faculty office at the church college where I teach. I very rarely come in here; most days I arrive just in time for my classes, teach them, and leave. Today there is an important meeting for English faculty, and believe me, if it were not super important, I would not wait around for it. I'm pretty careful about my time. I am not a full-time employee. I do not not earn a full-time salary. This is my choice. I prefer to be primarily an at-home mom, and to teach a couple classes on the side.

But today's meeting is important. It involves a serious change in curriculum for English 101, a class I teach every semester. So I need to stay. I need to wait the 2.5 hours since my last class ended to attend the 90-minute training on this new curriculum, and I don't really mind because it happens so infrequently.

What I do mind is that it's cold outside, and I'm stuck here for 2.5 hours, and nowhere on this campus can I find a real Diet Coke. They have pretend Diet Coke (caffeine free) in the student cafe. It's awful. If you've never tried it, don't even bother. They have more pretend Diet Coke in the bookstore. But nowhere do they have the real thing.

Grrrrrr.

Why not? you may ask. Well there's this crazy belief that permeates LDS culture that caffeine is a violation of our church's health code called the "Word of Wisdom."

It isn't. Plain and simple. No discussion needed.

The Word of Wisdom includes many things people should take into their bodies in order to remain healthy physically and spiritually, along with a few things to avoid: hot drinks (interpreted to mean coffee and non-herbal tea), tobacco, and alcohol. That's it. Not a single word about caffeine.

Why, then, can't I find a real Diet Coke anywhere on campus? Apparently, this cultural myth is so pervasive that it has somehow influenced church policy, even in terms of what drinks are available on the campuses of church-sponsored colleges. We Mormons love our rules, but honestly, do we need to add additional ones that aren't even real?

And everyone seems to know it's not real. At any given time, you will find one employee or another from our school (teachers, support staff, even our dean) braving the windy cold, walking down the long Utah block and across the street to Crown Burger to get an honest Diet Coke.

Let's end the craziness of "rules" that aren't even rules, so others will feel welcome. Because as President Uchtdorf said, "There is room for you in this church."

Meanwhile, I'm off to Crown Burger.

",,,our leaders were mighty men of faith..." (Jarom 1:7)

My children, as they've grown up in the Church, have had many leaders. They have been served by primary teachers, youth leaders, Sunday School and seminary teachers, along with numerous bishopric members. And mostly, it's been good. There are tiny exceptions, where a particular leader has made one of them feel unwelcome or not good enough. I grieve those moments because oh how I want all my children to feel welcome in the Church. The teen years are tumultuous enough; the Church should be a place of refuge from the storm, a source of strength and sustenance for our cherished youth.

Allow me to share a story about a leader who taught the important lesson of welcoming people in love, rather than shunning them in judgment.

I won't share his name, in case he prefers anonymity out on the Web, but he was our stake president the seven years we lived in Billings. I'll call him President G. One year, Eli came home from Youth Standards Night with a lesson he will never forget. When he entered the chapel, he was surprised to see three young men in attendance, wearing jeans and t-shirts, sitting up toward the front. "Not gonna lie, Mom. I judged them. 'Why are they dressed like that?' I thought to myself. 'It's standards night; don't they know they're supposed to wear church clothes?'"

At some point during the meeting, President G. called these boys up to the front and asked the congregation, "How many of you judged these guys because of their clothes, rather than simply welcoming them and being grateful they were here?" Lot of nods and whispers. He then explained that he staged this whole thing. He called these three (and their parents) ahead of time and asked them to come dressed like that and to sit where everyone could see them. He wanted to teach the importance of welcoming: "We don't know others' circumstances. We don't know their stories. We are to love them, welcome them, and withhold judgment."

Oooh, President G., I did not know you well at that time. Other than spending a few minutes with you when you set Luke apart for his mission, I had never really spoken to you before. But you won my heart over that night. Is it any wonder you would later be called to serve as a mission president, to guide and nurture countless young elders and sisters at a pivotal point in their lives? What lucky missionaries!

With few exceptions, my kids have had great leaders. President G. was just one. Today, Seth has diligent Sunday School teachers who work hard to bring the light of the Gospel to their students each week. He has a dedicated seminary teacher who offers respite in his day from the R-rated movie that is high school---I was there at dismissal time one day last week and heard the F-bomb shouted at least six times in the five minutes it took me to walk from the front door to the office. And he has the most crazy awesome Young Men's President ever, who makes him laugh all the time from the constant goofiness, all the while demonstrating a living testimony of his commitment to the Savior and his Church. I could ask for nothing more.

"... our leaders were mighty men of faith..." (Jarom 1:7).

Indeed.

May we follow the example of President G. and welcome our youth. No matter what. We can't afford to do otherwise. We can't afford to lose them.

As President Uchtdorf taught, "There is room for you [including hormone-raging, sometimes moody, unpredictable teenagers] in this church."